What Your Knife Says About You

What Your Knife Says About You

Pogge, Drew
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You can tell a lot about people by the blades they choose to carry. It’s kind of like a personality indicator, or even a mood ring—that also doubles as a lethal weapon. Here’s a primer on blade psychology.

Multitool: This person is practical, level-headed, and likely works with his or her hands either professionally or as a serious hobby. Not likely to be aggressive, but can probably drink more beer than you—and will likely buy the first round. This definitely is NOT the only knife this person owns; it’s just the only one needed on a daily basis.

“Assisted-open” lock-blade: This person is a “techie” and prefers titanium and composite to steel and bone. May be legitimately aggressive personalities, but may also use the knife as an intimidating front. Other objects of interest include iPads, Mountain Khakis, custom fly rods and skis (both made of carbon), and expensive, difficult-to-obtain IPA beer.

Bowie knife: Depending on the size of the blade (bigger = crazier), the Bowie represents a wide range of personalities. On the smaller, more practical end of the spectrum, the Bowie is likely carried by someone with a mustache or has worn spurs in the last six months. On the more Rambo-esque side of the spectrum, the Bowie is likely carried by someone with a personality disorder, a tattooed forehead, and/or tiny genitals. These qualities are not mutually exclusive and often overlap.

Penknife: A vanishing category of knife, the penknife was once primarily used to sharpen quills for writing. Now, these small, sharp, folding blades are most often reserved for the corduroy jacket pockets of college professors (especially adjunct professors) who wish to appear academically antithetical, and, equally, the purses of old ladies.

Boy Scout knives: With a simple single-edged blade, a fork, a spoon, and a can opener, the folding “boy scout” knife is a camping classic and is most often carried by boy scouts. That’s it. I know it’s not that funny, but it’s unrealistic to expect every sentence to entertain. It’s not about you.

No knife: This person leads a predictable and routine existence devoid of meaning and excitement. Probably uses scented hand lotion regularly and sometimes plays one of those “fireplace” DVDs on a flatscreen to simulate a campfire. Either that or the TSA took this person's knife.

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