Are You Bored?

Are You Bored?

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Skodt Jones and Lucia Stewart

Blame it on whatever you want—global climate change, temperamental snow gods, your estranged ex-girlfriend—but fact is, we’re seeing more and more snowless winter weeks in Montana these days. Here’s what to do when nothing’s flying but your boss’s dandruff.

1. Attach wheels to the bottom of your skis and go street skiing in spandex on Sunday morning. Do extensive warm-up and cool-down yoga postures in front of the Leaf & Bean or a nearby church.

2. Do the Bode Miller Challenge: Put 17 shots of Jagermeister in a bucket of dirty plow snow. Serve in a vintage ski boot and drink like a champion. Attempt to wake up by March.

3. Please the fickle snow gods by torching your sport-utility in the sacred valley of the Bridger Bowl parking lot. Vow to drive only a “worthy” winter car such as a rear-wheel drive Ford Torino or Dodge Aspen for the rest of your days.

4. Fill a truck bed full of snow from Flathead Pass, drive it home, and build a 20-foot jump in your yard. Have a dog pull you for momentum. For greater velocity, create a speed-ramp by pouring water on a gigantic sheet of plastic and letting it freeze overnight.

5. For a swell date, take a bottle of pinot noir and climb Kirk Hill to savor the ambiance of Bozeman's wintertime inversion. Describe the air quality as “florally fetid” and having “subtle overtones of bleach.” Don’t forget to neck.

6. Lock yourself in a walk-in freezer with books about Ernest Shackleton’s polar expeditions. Bring some huskies and seal blubber. Stay there until the pack ice breaks up or fingers turn black. DO NOT EAT THE DOGS.

7.Explore the envelope of speed that rollerblade wheels can endure by getting towed behind a car down the Bridger Canyon road. A rhinestone-studded jumpsuit would garner big points with spectators and also add spice to road-rash scars.

8. Join online forums and theorize that global warming is caused by cattle-fueled wolf packs transplanted from California.

9. Visit all the art galleries you’ve always wanted to—in your snowshoes.

10. Despite the eight-inch base, go ski Bridger Bowl anyway. Consider the bone-shattering, half-exposed stumps and boulders a challenge to the expertise of your favorite orthopedic surgeon or physical therapist.

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