Fake Beards

Fake Beards

Reuss, Dave
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Haven’t hit puberty yet? Got your beard-growing abilities from your mother’s side? Don’t worry: you have options. Here’s how to blend in with the real beards this season.

 

Costume-Store Covering

A wide selection and corporate pricing means you can find the fuzzy face-mask that best fits your imposter personality. Some of these are so lifelike, you’ll want to disappear from society for a couple weeks before donning your fake beard, to make it convincing.

 

Beard Beanie

This commercial product is the warmest option, but the least realistic. You can pick one up online, or make your mom compensate for her hairless genetics by knitting you one for Christmas. Depending on length, these can also double as imitation dreadlocks.

 

Beard o’ Joe

A Halloween hobo staple, coffee grounds are nearly as inconvenient as actually growing a beard. Use honey or corn syrup to affix that old java to your jawbone. Not recommended in bear country.

 

Hair of the Dog

Save cash by sweeping up behind your molting mutt, then gluing the shed fur to your face. Only slightly less disgusting than the infamous Gorilla Mask, this method ensures that Aunt Mildred won’t try to kiss you at Thanksgiving dinner.

 

Not-So-Extreme Makeover

Women’s makeup doesn’t deliver that 3D feel of real facial hair, so only wear it while Skyping or in the bars very late at night. Draw one on bare skin with eyeliner, or if you can muster a “beard” resembling blonde smoke (one O/B staffer’s lament), make it more visible with mascara. 

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