Know Thyself

Know Thyself

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How to calculate your asshole footprint.

Being an asshole is like burying a dead body in the woods: everyone’s done it. Or something like that. Are you an asshole? Take our handy quiz to find out.

1. Did you blow up the cliffs along the Jefferson River?

2. Have you updated your Facebook status from the summit of Sacagawea?

3. Are your hat, vest, and waders appropriately color and brand coordinated?

4. Do you drive a foreign car worth more than $50,000?

5. Do you wear a white cowboy hat?

6. Do you walk your dog by driving behind it on a dirt road?

7. Do you complain about the snow in the winter and the fires in the summer?

8. Have you stopped selling local beers?

9. Do you live behind a locked security gate?

10. Have you ever thrown something at a buffalo and then been surprised when it trampled you?
      10a. If yes, did you later sue the buffalo and the park ranger?

11. Have you bailed out on your partner on the morning of an adventure for any reason other than being diagnosed with a flesh-eating virus?

12. Have you littered because "it creates jobs"?

13. Do you leave ranch gates open while hunting?

14. Do you bring your cell phone along on a powder day?
      14a. If yes, do you text on the chairlift?

15. Do you wish Bridger Bowl had more slopeside lodging and shopping?

16. Have you modified the exhaust of your truck, motorcycle, or snowmobile just to be "a little louder and more visible"?

17. Have you killed a game animal and eaten none of its meat?

18. Do you think spin fishermen are inferior to fly fishermen?
      18a. If yes, do you leer at or verbally assault them for keeping a legal amount of fish?

19. Have you peed in Norris Hot Springs?

20. Do you keep hunters, fishermen, and other outdoors people from accessing public land through your property just “because it’s mine?”

21. Do you Tweet?

22. Do you live in a subdivision of 20-acre ranchettes?

23. Is your “cabin” over 4,000 square feet?
      23a. If yes, do fewer than 8 people live there?

24. Can your house be seen from the river?

25. Do you pick up your FREE copy of Outside Bozeman and then bitch about its contents?


0-3 points: You’re an asshole, but not a very big one.
4-9 points: Starting to look pretty assholish… careful.
Ten or more points: Leave now before we kill you.

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